black cat theory

i am... alive!! this week, i finished my summer semester and thank god KJFDSJKFH

so a little about me for those who don't know: i'm currently working on getting into a nursing program! i originally graduated back in 2020 with a BA in psych, but one grad school rejection and one horrid office job later, i decided to bite the bullet and go into nursing like my mom has always pushed me to WHGHGFH. to be clear, this is something i decided to do, and i'll be real, this is something i'm actually very excited about! after a lot of contemplation, i've come to realize this is the best route for me to support myself and my passions. this is a decision i definitely couldn't have made back when i was a teenager and didn't expect to live this long, so it feels good to have arrived at this choice by myself. it's the long route towards my dreams, but every little step is progress and i'm enjoying the journey there!

i'll be the first one to dunk on academia, but to be honest, it's also a place where i know what i'm doing so i have to admit i kind of missed this lol. reception/administrative work was fine, but it gets too monotonous for me — soul-crushingly so. i also really enjoy getting feedback from my teachers and classmates, and y'know, actively learning, so i've been having a lot of fun! it helps that my teachers and classmates have been an absolute blast to work with, especially this past summer semester, so i actually looked forward to going to class even though it was almost everyday haha

ngl i actively avoided the medical/nursing fields because i did NOT want to do any more math and science than i had to, so i've been really scared of taking all the math/science pre-reqs i need. but maybe because i have a clear goal now, i've been applying myself more and putting in the effort, and i've actually been excelling in these classes ;w; the me from ten years ago could've never imagined being on the top of these sorts of classes, but here i am!! i can only hope i can carry on this energy for the rest of the pre-reqs i need to take lol

going off of that, i've been doing so well that the math center at my college actually reached out to me to take up a tutoring position?? i was hesitant to take the job tbh, esp since like... math isn't my best subject, but i decided to take it in the end so i'll be starting to work as a tutor in the upcoming fall semester lol. i'm kinda excited ngl! i used to tutor middle school math back when i was in high school, and i enjoyed it, so i'm hoping i'll have fun with this too. i just like to help people, so already the prospect of it is already a lot more fulfilling than the job i was working last year LMFAO besides, it's nice to get paid again, even if it's just a little extra ehe

another thing that was really crazy: i got to help my cousin with his film! i wasn't doing another major lol, i was just a personal assistant (and an extra for one (1) scene lol), but it was a really cool experience nonetheless! i'm only familiar with stage work since i used to be part of the choral program in high school and dabbled in theater as a kid, so it was a fresh perspective on another avenue of acting. plus as a fan of tokusatsu, it was cool comparing how all the behind the scenes stuff works lol. that said, the whole thing did make me miss the stage even more wjkghgh i didn't appreciate it enough when i was younger because i was super shy... even though i had solos (they were group solos btw, i wouldn't have been able to handle the spotlight being on me alone LMAO), i was still so scared of the stage... but now i'm more confident in myself, and find myself wishing to return to the stage in some way ;u; when i'm all settled with my life, i'd love to return to the performing arts again! it's such a fun way to express yourself >w<

(for those concerned about the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes, my cousin is an indie director so no worries! we weren't breaking any restrictions, and we all want the strike to succeed)

as great as this summer has been though, it has had its moments. i suppose being back in school has reminded me that people don't see me for my passions... don't get me wrong, i appreciate being praised for my academic work, but it's not something i wanna dedicate my life to either. i always get acknowledged for doing well in school, but i rarely get any feedback on my actual passion projects. no one owes me anything and i really do create for myself, but there'll always be a small part of any artist that would like an audience ;w; i've been at this for years though, so i've long accepted that my works aren't exactly appealing to a broad audience. although i still have a lot to learn, i'm proud of what i create and the people who do say something are very supportive! so i'll keep putting my soul into everything i make!

there's also another issue that hasn't been resolved yet (? i'm not sure actually, but tbh i don't really expect a follow up on it), so i won't go in depth about it, but i guess it's a major reality check when you lose your trust in someone you thought you could trust to always be there for you — especially when it's one of your longest running relationships. for the record, i don't hold anything against them or think they're a bad person, it's just a tough pill to swallow when your perception of your relationship no longer matches how the other person sees it. people change and relationships change, and it's part of life! i tried to see if we could still make it work, but our communication so far hasn't been that great so i put it on hold until we can try again

thankfully, i have still have many wonderful friends in my life! i'm far from being a social butterfly, so the people who i feel comfortable enough to call a friend really mean the world to me. as someone who's grown up feeling like they couldn't rely on others, i'm learning how to rely on all the people who care about me just as they've relied on me, and tbh it's made me so much happier! and just in general, i've been trying to be more open with others (like telling them how much i appreciate them, or that something reminded me of them, or just hitting them up in general when usually i would think oh they wouldn't care) and it feels really great! because i know hearing those things make me feel happy, so i would like to make others happy too... and i just feel like it just helps us connect more hehe. we're only on this earth for so long, so whenever i can, i'd like to share as much love as possible

anyhow, despite how busy it's been, this has really been a wonderful summer!! i've met a lot of great people, got to have a lot of fun with my friends, and managed to take a lot of big steps towards my goals!! and i know there's still four months in the year left, but... dare i say this has been the happiest i've ever been in such a long time?? maybe things rly do change when that prefrontal cortex develops JFKSDJK but i feel like i've finally grown into myself and that i'm making the most out of my life. sure, life isn't perfect right now, but i've learned to see all the wonders in the little things and it really does make life worth living

for now, i'm trying to see if i can finish, or at least make a considerable amount of progress, on my major personal projects before the fall semester starts. i'd also really love to get the hifugen manifesto done, and maybe spruce up the shrine a bit more... and maybe even start the laurant shrine, but that's a lot to do in (less than) a week lol but i'm also taking the time to enjoy everyday too >w< here's to hoping the rest of the year goes just as well!

thanks for reading if you did, i hope your summer has been a wonderful too! if not, i hope things look up for you soon! take care, sending lots of love to y'all out there! ♥♥♥